Mid year blues 2016

Just finished prayer and fasting and I would admit my heart was being ripped in all directions. I’m careful not to come in o, here’s my chance to get really spiritual and ask for what I want mode. Even if those things are truly good. Lord, what do you want me to want?

Please don’t think this is a formula, too. I’m just real-life storytelling. God speaks to us in ways we want to freely communicate with Him. I think that’s where He’s absolutely awesome. He knows and He knows how. Personal.

How many people’s voices I constantly have to push back to listen slowly to what He says. Persons who subconsciously or consciously set themselves up as examples of faith.

In seeking His will, I’d hear occasional “no, don’t go there!” with news and stories. Thin line. I understand though they’re out for my good but first of, I’m careful to speak even about decisions we have to make as a family cause it might be the buffet topic on someone else’s afternoon conversations. Which is not exactly what I need, right? Then there are those who’d give you the nice friendly reaction but once you’re not there, afternoon conversations again with another critique. Shaking their heads chatting away, but not feeling anything. Why does this feel good?

Thankful for those who remove their biases and world mindsets. This particular couple my husband and I go to have really .. I can’t even put in words. It’s like they’ve made us trust them, brought us closer to them but they’ve stayed at arms length. They keep that distance so that God is always the center of our relationship. They have so much to say about a lot of things but for our sake, they don’t. Instead, they zero in on what we say and they pray to God that they say the right things. They remove their emotions, but somehow we feel their love for us. They remove what they’ve heard about this and that, so that we can hear Him clearly and ONLY. You just know. They do it because they really do love. It’s real. Not following a to-do list on textbook. Not this we-wanna-be-here-cause-God-would-do-the-same. Because then they’d be god hehe. They do it because they are led. They are moved by His goodness and faithfulness in their own lives. They pour out effortlessly. They are not golden calves.

What or who am I really following? facebook, instagram, twitter? What could possibly be wrongly standing above me like a monument for me to be like. Oh dear God, break them down.

The world doesn’t apologize for the choices I made. I choose to have it stand in the way, or get out of the way. I did. Stop me from getting impatient and raising something or someone else to comfort me. The Lord is so very patient. Waiting.

During my fast, there was more smashing downs than checking faith lists. And He is God. Not just persons, but goals I held on to. He gave me words to utter so I can loosen my grip. Open my eyes, and watch it go away. Hard at first. Hard even now to remember what I had let go of. Deep down, this would stand in the way.

I can’t live without hearing Him, anymore. I’ll be lost. Scariest place to be away from Him.

Walk with Me.


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